For the social outcast wannabe. We all hate those who screw up our movie-going experience, from wailing kids to over-crispy chips. BUT are you one of them? If in doubt, do make a checklist with the following...
Before the Movies -Grab all the movie brochures. ALL. -Develop at least 5 strategies for cutting the ticket queue. -Insist and persist in telling the ticket lady you're above the age line. When all else fails, RESIST. -Develop at least 5 strategies for cutting the popcorn queue. -Complain to the popcorn counter that your half-sweet half-salty tub isn't proportionate. -Complain to the popcorn counter that your drink isn't filled to the brim. -Spill your popcorn and drink all over the place, then insist they replace it for free. -Point excitedly to an 'R' rated film and giggle loudly.
During the Movies -Start telling the person next to you the entire movie sequence before it starts. Make sure everybody gets to hear it. -Let everybody know you have at least 6 plastic bags. -Chew loudly. -Eat chips with your mouth open. -In fact, don't stop eating chips throughout the movie. -The empty chips bag is fun. Play it like the accordian. -Throw an unpopped kernal away. Try to hit the person 3 rows down on the head. -When there's a funny moment in the movie, wait till everybody is done laughing, then laugh. Really long and loudly. -Choke on your drink or popcorn. -Say really loudly: "This is really boring" -"SShh" loudly, intermitently, even though the theatre is quiet. -Bring a hungry, full-bladdered toddler.
After the Movies -Sure, ask around: "Of my god, did you see that?" DUH, if not why would I spend freaking $10 for me to ask you if I saw that? Like, what, I sat there with my eyes closed for the past 2 hours?
This are the quintessential ways to become a big-ass movie-goer. I feel like I've left something out. If you do know other wonderful ways to become a worse movie-goer, please add them in the Comments.
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